Usually stories start with "Once upon a time" right? This one probably should too. This is a very special story, and if you're the first person that is being told this story, you are a very special person. The most special person in the world to the person who wrote this story. The person who wrote this story, wrote this story for you, and anything related to this story will also be made with you in mind. It is a gift to you, not just this single story, everything to do with it when it continues, for as long as it continues. It will be designed to entertain you as best the author knows how.
So. Once upon a time a great queen arose for her daily toils. This queen rose at the same time every day ever since she was born, and every day she would work for her people as hard as she could without getting much rest. It sounds harsh but she was completely content. There was nothing she would rather do than help her people out. She was a stout middle aged queen, in decent shape. Like a celebrity that people say "Oh my! She is 60 years old can you believe it!?" She was mighty fine looking for her age. This was normal to her and her people because her and her people had such a high quality of life. She wore a long flowing gown, made of light silks and satins. White as snow when she stood still, but as movement occurred it shimmered with every color of the rainbow. The people of her kingdom made sure she had nothing but the best, because she did the same for them. If it were up to her she would have worn a plain band shirt and floogin (Any normal article of clothing, except it has a psychedelic pattern on it, most residents of her kingdom wore them) but the people insisted she be glam as possible. They loved glammed royalty. Atop her head she wore a grand hat that was the shape of a muffin. Large and puffy like a sultan would wear. It was encrusted with jewels of every color in the spectrum, with a swirl design. Around the top was a medium sized crown. Her radiant fuchsia hair was tucked neatly in a bun under the veils that came flowing down from under her hat. Her face was slightly pudgy, but altogether cute. Makeup was placed upon her face long ago by the most masterful artist in the kingdom. Makeup in this kingdom never smudged, the only time it came off was when you wanted it to. The artist that created her face design did a wonderful job, he gave her long eyelashes, red green and blue eye shadow, rosy purple cheeks and rainbow themed lipstick that was much like her gown. Quite a colorful majesty she was. Colorful right down to her knee-high white boots with various colored buckles.
On this day that she rose she stepped lightly over to her bedroom window to take a gander upon her wicked ass kingdom. She sighed happily like a school girl pining over the latest idiot action hero "The Kutiemuffin kingdom…" then walked off to the enamel white spiral staircases which lead down to the planning room. She passed that and went down the hall to her throne room where she could hear the electric guitar, drums and bass (with a tad of keys) beginning to play as she walked down the throne room alley along the 7 color carpet (as opposed to just red) to her throne. She waved, winked and smiled at the guards along the way. She also did the gun gesture a few times. The moment she was seated a lineup began of all the residents that needed her help. She smirked lightly. She loved her job.
A young man walked forward in front of her and bowed. "State your problem!" the royal counselor's voice rang out because the young man was taking too long in his opinion. He was standing just to the right of where the Queen sat on her throne.
The young man stammered "U-Uhh, well..My problem is that I'm finding floogins to be too girly for me. I haven't ever been to a clothing store before because all I see is floogins….floogins everywhere man…er, your Majesty."
No problem was too small for this Queen to handle; she calmly said "Young man, all you need to do is take a look inside one of the stores. There are many styles of floogins, male kinds and female kinds alike. I am certain you will find something you can wear proudly." She was right, which was usual. Most of the Kutiemuffin's problems were simple ones like floogins. Floogins were the main dress code within the kingdom. Everyone loved them, they were always a wicked psychedelic pattern. Girls wore the skirt and dress versions whereas the males usually wore the tunic, shirt or muffintop version. It was not at all odd for a male to wear the kilt version, either. The Kutiemuffins never had any problem accepting people if they were different. Band T-shirts were also very common among the inhabitants, due to music being very popular across the kingdom. In fact, everyone in the kingdom knew how to play at least one instrument decently. They held festivals where everyone would get together in the square and rock out.
The next person in line's problem had to do with her musical studies. Before the young man was finished bowing again the young lady quickly stepped round him, gave a very fast curtsey and blurted out "Queen Trinipinity! Please, can you teach me that one chord you played last week?" there was a pause and the Queen said "Could you be more specific dear?" The young lady un-latched her guitar case and brought out her instrument. It was your basic guitar. 6 strings. She played a chord which was happy, yet sad at the same time. It was obvious to everyone in the hall that something was missing. "Ah, I know the one you mean!" cheered Queen Trinipinity. The Queen had her white guitar (with rainbow sparkle swirl designs) handed to her by one of the assistants that hung around the right and left sides of the throne room. She easily played the chord, which sounded happy yet sad at the same time. Everyone in the throne room clapped. The young lady parroted the chord to make sure she got it right, smiled, bowed and skipped off.
The day went on like this, each problem that was presented to the Queen she handled with gleeful ease. Noon came around and the line was starting to thin out. This was usual. Everyone in the kingdom liked to get their problems and work out of the way in the morning so that they had the rest of the day for leisure time. Work was always over before 3:30. Every day at noon Trinipinity would go up to the nursery and play with her daughter for an hour.
Princess Abigail was three years old. The Queen lifted her, hugged her, kissed her, played various simple games and chatted her daughter up, even though she wouldn't say much back. She read her a story about why Kutiemuffin's have a single sharp tooth protruding over their upper or lower lip. In summary of the tale, they have this tooth so they can open cans of baking ingredients, because they never invented the can-opener. Baking was altogether important in their society. It was like magic, you could cure anything, change the way you look, change the way you feel, make food, make presents, build buildings, it's uses were vast. It was even the way they reproduced. New Kutiemuffins were baked into existence.
Abigail was too young to appreciate much of the story. Her mother smiled upon her infant daughter and placed her back in her pen to play. Their mid-day hour together was over all too soon.
Queen Trinipinity resumed her duty of advice giving while only feeling a little bit like going back to spend time with Abigail. Abigail was one of two things she loved more than her kingdom. The other thing that she loved more was on its way down the multi colored carpet as soon as she sat down. It was the Kutiemuffin King. He wore a puffy black cape that shone like gasoline on pavement. His armor shone just the same. Upon his head was his muffin shaped hat (called a muffintop hat), like the queen's. Jewel encrusted and dazzling under the chandelier's light. Around the top of the muffin on his head was the king's crown. His armor clanked as he strode down the hall, people made way for the king. Every morning the king would walk around the kingdom to visit the major thoroughfares of castle town to make sure everyone was doing alright, or if anything needed fixing. He also loved his job and his people. He stroked his mustache before he sat on the larger throne to the Queen's left. His mustache was large, grey, wavy and commanded your loyalty and obedience. The king was the only Kutiemuffin in the kingdom who knew how to fight, and with a sword no less. His sword was always at his side, ready to defend what he loved. He had to shift it slightly so he could sit down properly. He looked over at the Queen and her at him and they stole a tiny kiss before they would begin giving advice as a couple. It was the last spurt of people before they had the rest of the day off to do whatever else they pleased, which would be doing more work for their people, or spending time with Abigail, so they thought.
The next Kutiemuffin to approach the King and Queen was an elderly woman. "No, no, that's okay dear, don't bow" The King said gently as the old lady attempted to bow with great discomfort. Her old bones could be heard cracking from 10 feet away. "Thank you, kindly" responded the elderly woman in a small raspy voice. She cleared her throat and then said "I was wondering if I could have a small favor from your highnesses before I pass on…?" The King and Queen both said "Go on" at the same time. "Well" she paused "I was wondering if perhaps your Excellencies could grant my final wish. As you both can see very well I am about to pass away. All I am asking is a slight modification to my death celebration. Instead of being made into a singular large cake, could I please be made into many small cakes and then shot from a cannon to rain over the kingdom? I just would like to have a death celebration that has a bit of a bang you know?" She laughed with her lips closed. No this woman was not senile; Kutiemuffins celebrated their deaths as well as their births. During any celebration muffins are eaten, and normally when a Kutiemuffin passes on they are made into a large muffin cake and eaten by other inhabitants of the kingdom, usually the deceased's family.
The pair eyed her with a smile for a moment and the King said "Granted. Just have the arrangements made with the head death celebration planner. I believe he is in his office now. I will sign for your request when he brings me the proper forms." "May your reign be long, your majesty" said the old lady and she slowly made her way out of the hall to go find the head death celebration planner's office.
It was getting very near quarter after 2. The King and Queen enjoyed sitting together during the slow hours that were the end of their daily job. This day there would only be one more person to speak to them before they had their leisure time. They spoke together during the slow times and also with the guards and helpers that were all around them. They were nearly about to call it quits for the day due to no one else showing up and it being near 3:30 when one of the scouts came running down the hall, screaming and bawling loudly, holding his arm. This frightened The Majesties. They had not ever experienced fear before this moment. No one in the kingdom had. Neither had they experienced things like sadness, woe, anger or discomfort, but they would soon, and all too well.
"Aaaaaaahhhhh! King Jipompolopolous! Queen Trinipinity! I- I- I'm….leaking!" He screamed in extreme discomfort. His icing was leaking down his arm under where his hand was covering. He shakily removed his hand and revealed a large perfectly round wound that was gushing icing. The King and Queen's eyes bulged nearly out of their heads. The throne room was in an uproar, no one knew what to do. No one knew the feelings they were feeling. In all the craziness King Jipompolopolous ordered the guards to restrain the wounded scout and to bar the entrance.
It was dark outside before things calmed down enough so that they could talk things through. Everyone in the throne room that was there earlier was still there. The King made sure the area was quarantined. The time between then and now was chaos, everyone was running madly around the room bumping into each other, screaming and yelling, crying or huddling in the corner muttering to themselves. It was a long time before they could even find out what happened to the poor scout. The entire amount of icing within his arm had long since completely drained out before anything was asked of him. His arm no longer would move, so he sat by one of the pillars supporting the throne room's high white and rainbow patterned ceilings crying tears of fruit punch to himself. After much stammering, Trinipinity finally got things started by mustering up enough courage to ask "what happened to you!?" From there things went as smoothly as they could, which was not at all. It took a whole of 10 hours for them to figure everything out. There were long awkward pauses where everyone was lost in deep unpleasant thoughts.
What happened was the scout was attacked. All of the Kutiemuffins could not understand this. Violence was out of their league, except for the king, as a young Kutiemuffin he had read all about swordsmanship and what it was used for, what he didn't know was what it could cause. This was the last thing he suspected. He was very glad that he hadn't decided to try out his new dueling technique on random villagers a few weeks back. The young scout was not only attacked, he was attacked by something that was not a Kutiemuffin nor anything known to the Kutiemuffin kingdom. He said it was tall and thin and entirely black. It was shaped like a man and it somehow made the hole in his arm appear after telling him that his kingdom would be destroyed. He told his audience that it wasn't made out of baked goods; it was made out of metal. King Jipompolopolous knew of monsters, and this is what he was sure it was. The only way to deal with this crisis was to create the next Kutiemuffin Pai. This was the Queen's suggestion, and no one disagreed. They were thankful they had a Queen able to make a decision so quickly in such a terrible situation.
Morning light was beginning to creep in the stained glass windows spreading every color all over the room. It glowed magnificently due to everything being bright white marble or enamel. The King and Queen decided they would take the day off to cower in their rooms and think things over on how to go about making the next Kutiemuffin pai. It was a complicated process, and things had been so good for so long that the kingdom didn't have a need for it until now. The rest of the Kutiemuffins in the room would also retire to their quarters for the day, and for the first time in history, the castle's front doors were closed, and the guardsmen were told to ask anyone who showed up to please come back some other time. As for our poor scout; the head baker had never seen a wound that ghastly before. It took a full day in his care to get a new arm baked for him to use. The head baker of The Kutiemuffin kingdom was probably the best at his job in comparison to anyone else. They were truly lucky to have him. Everyone but the Kutiemuffins that were in the throne room went on with their days as happily as ever, while their King and Queen, locked away in their chambers tried desperately to find a way to deal with this horrible monster.
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