Always Thinking...
No Longer Afraid to Fly
Author: Evvie

Recently my girlfriend and I decided we were going to go on a cruise someday, probably in the new year. We were talking about how sweet and amazing cruising is going to be when I realized we would have to fly to get to the harbor where the boat ships out. Fly. In a plane. I'm afraid of flying. But I wanna cruise. But I'm afraid of flying. But, cruise. But, fly. But. Butů.

So I decided to do my best to get over it. My first step was to figure out why I was afraid of it, and I came to the conclusion it was because Fox News scared the shit out of me as a kid with their plane crash specials, and how they report on every plane crash that happens, ever, anywhere, and only using the most violent onomatopoeiae to describe them.

I haven't made a habit of watching Fox News in a long time. When I was younger I didn't have cable and Fox was one of 7 channels that I did get. Every weekend they had a special about aliens or ghosts or plane crashes that would scare the fuck out of me.

It was a combination of that and I don't like heights either. Before I knew fear, I flew in plane with my Dad once when I was on vacation. I thought it was the shit at the time and wasn't scared for a second. So I know I'm capable of flying.

I looked through the internet for advice on how to get over fear of flying, and once I waded through all the sites that wanted to sell me things and capitalize off of my fear, what I found was the following advice.

Wear your seatbelt as tight as you can. If there is a crash you're going to get fucked up if you don't have the seatbelt on and what I read told me for every bit of slack there is in the belt the more damage you'll take from the crash.

If the engines stop the plane doesn't immediately nosedive.

If you sit towards the back you have quicker access to the exits of the plane. Most of the time people die from head trauma or smoke inhalation in plane crashes because they couldn't make it to the exits.

Sitting in the middle of the plane by the wing might reduce the effects of turbulence.

Pretending you're on a bus is supposed to work. So that means you need to pretend to smell urine and that at any moment some crazy old man is going to sit next to you and tell you all about his brother.

If the plane is crashing put your arms on the seat in front of you and keep your head down, this is so the seat in front of you can't mess you up and so you're sturdier for the impact.

The odds of it happening are literally something like a million to one or lower. You'll win the lottery before you die on a plane crash, so say the internet.

If you see a guy messing around with the plane while you're waiting to take off don't automatically assume he's planting a bomb or sabotaging it. Planes have layer upon layer of maintenance between each flight.

If you can't get over your fear you can get roofies from the doctor to knock yourself out and sleep right through the plane ride. Drugs are always the answer.

Expect the most turbulence when you take off and land, but don't flip if some happens mid flight.

I was worried about turbulence until I looked into it. The main tip given to me was to expect it to feel like the most violent shaking ever and to expect it to be the loudest thing you've ever heard, even though it won't be. I was also told to expect it to be like this:

One inaccuracy with the video is that normal planes don't fly through storms, only lil John does, and just like lil John lightning wouldn't effect a plane either. Planes (and lil John) are immune to lightning.

All in all turbulence isn't dangerous, it's just like thunder; dogs are freaked out by it because they don't know what it is, the same way we're freaked out by turbulence when we don't know what it is.

Finally; there's only one kind of turbulence so don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

It was simple to get over in the end. I either didn't have it as bad as I thought or I'm just deluding myself and I'll immediately spray diarrhea everywhere once I get on the plane.

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