Bad ass creatures
I am writing this article so that I can give some credit to all the bad ass creatures that roam this earth. I hope that the tribute will give some insight as to why we should look up to these things, and also why they are better then your pathetic ass. I hope this will be a long one, but as I embark on this, I have not a clue where it is going. Enjoy! Oh yeah. Before I forget, below each section there is a scale. It is called "The Fucking Scale of Badassness." The more to the left, the less badass, the more to the right, the more badass. This is blatantly clear thanks to some sweet visuals.
#1
I am going to start with the spider. The spider is one bad ass mother fucker, who won't take shit from no one. A spider would fearlessly walk onto a sleeping person as huge as Jared (before he went on his wicked sub eating binge and lost a thousand pounds), even with all the horrid noises he makes, and all the strange aromas he produces, just to bite his nipple for no reason other then the fact that he wants to let that fat morose mother fucker know who's boss. That's right. The spider would do this with out any fear at all. He knows that at any given moment, Jared could roll over and crush him due to the fact that he is a million times his size and weight. That's just how bad ass they are. They are so intimidating, even a dinosaur would be scared of one. Check out this crazy son of a bitch. He is so nuts he is taking a flying leap from a leaf like 40 stories high, too attack an innocent bee that is just getting some pollen. He is most likely going to bite the bee and then leave him alone after too. In case you didn't notice, he also has a beer in one of his 8 pumped legs, which happen to be hairier then mine. He isn't even letting one drop spill the whole time. This spider is my hero. Another thing that is mass wicked awesome about spiders is the places they choose to put their webs. You ever see a spider web in the weirdest place? It's like the spiders are saying, "You're fucked so just fly in already you dumb bastard. I am going to eat you no matter what."
.................................The Fucking Scale Of Basassness!.........................................
Hoverround.............................................................................................The Predator
#2
The bear is also an interesting character one could say. Did you know that bears eat their own hair in order to clog their assholes so that they can sleep all winter without the intervention of having to take a shit or piss? It's somewhat true. They also walk on really skinny logs and shit. Like this crazy bastard below. Bears are so wicked that I bet their shit weighs like 15 pounds. I wish my shit weighed that much. I would be tough. Also, if you change the a to an e, then it spells beer, therefore the bear is automatically mass cool.
#3
Tolijano
Toli is bad. He is bad to his serbian bone. There isn't really much to say about Toli, other then the fact that he is one of the top five badass creatures on earth. My cat just farted and it smells quite robust. He is the only thing I can think of with legs more hairy then that crazy spider's, and he drinks mixed peach schnapps. That's just out of control. His intense nationalism, and gay pride are what earns him his badass rank. I didn't have a picture of Toli, so I had to make my own.
#4
My Iguana Sammy
All this crazy bastard does is lay ontop of chicks and let them know who is boss. When he isn't doing that, he is falling from really high altitudes, and breaking a few limbs on the way. He takes it like I would, and gets back up and climbs to the top again to do nothing but lay on top of chicks. That is the life. I got no picture for this guy cause I can't afford a camera, and if I could it wouldn't have a fast enough shutter speed to catch him falling.
Um I am lazy but I think I will add some more some time cause there are lots more. Like the ground hog for example. He sleeps and sleeps and sleeps, then gets up, looks around, and goes back to bed for six more weeks.
Catch 22 = Catch poo poo